Lockdown
by Rizember
Summary: Between dealing with crazy moms, psychotic guardians and a useless entourage, the last thing the rival authors needed was to be locked up together to write a book without killing each other first. Humour. SasuNaru
1. Business mergers and other truths

**Lockdown**

by Rizember

**Summary**: With everything accounted and provided for, rival authors, Sasuke Uchiha and Uzumaki Naruto are given three months on a not-so-private island to come up with a bestseller. Too bad they can't stand each other. Humor. SasuNaru

**Beta'd by:** [Unbeta'd]

**A/N: My birthday today! 17/06/10**

**Chapter One: Business Merger**

**Disclaimer**: Once again, my parents say I own nothing.

Sasuke Uchiha knew it was going to be a bad day.

According to the weather man, the sun had come up .26 seconds earlier than expected which meant that Sasuke, who always got up at the crack of dawn, had gotten up earlier too.

His body was not accustomed to those kinds of errors.

The bloody sun should be fired.

Sasuke nursed the coffee handed to him in the reception, giving the flushed receptionist a nod, and made his way to the elevator.

Standing by the elevator was a man with spiky dark hair that was tied back. He was leaning against the wall by the elevator with his eyes closed.

Sasuke stood and waited.

"What?"

The man opened his eyes and stifled a yawn. "What do you mean, 'what'?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

Nara Shikamaru. Head of Publicity for Chidori Publishers… and Sasuke's friend.

Sasuke always wondered how the bum had gotten a job anyway. From what he could tell, Shikamaru had probably been too lazy to make it to the interviews. Not that he'd needed it. He'd had top grades in university and had probably had the job ready before he even graduated.

Shikamaru shoved himself lazily off the wall as the elevators doors opened.

They got in and stood at opposite ends.

"So…"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at Shikamaru. He usually wasn't one for small talk.

"Have you read the papers today?"

"Another cat got stuck in a tree?"

Shika sighed.

It was true that Konoha was the safest city in the world with a crime rate almost in the negatives but Shika thought that was part of its charm. Sasuke, on the other hand, seemed to think the place was boring as hell and only stayed cause he knew if he left, his family would just track him down and bring him back.

The city had a no-nonsense mayor who was tough as nails and just as hard to bite through- whatever that meant.

Sarutobi was one of the world's most powerful men for reasons not known to Sasuke. He was a loaded old man with a strange sense of humor. Sasuke had met him when he was younger.

Apparently Sarutobi and his great uncle Madara's friendship went way back to sometime when fire had just been discovered.

"You should really read the papers."

Sasuke ignored Shikamaru and walked out the elevator as they reached their floor.

"What is it you want to tell me Shikamaru?"

"Well-"

"SASUKE! FINALLY!"

Sasuke blinked and Shikamaru took the large Styrofoam cup from his hands and took a sip as he walked away, deciding to leave the frozen Sasuke to his own devices. Hell, he'd tried.

Sasuke's mind was reeling.

In front of him was a very frustrated raven with long dark hair and even darker eyes.

What the bloody hell was his brother doing here?

"Sasuke… the meeting will begin in five minutes. Get your butt to the conference room now."

Sasuke shook his head and walked past his brother, "I already have a PA, Itachi but thanks for trying."

Itachi scowled at him, "You didn't read the papers."

Sasuke sighed, "What's in the papers anyway?"

Itachi smiled and Sasuke gulped as he was dragged to the conference room.

There, he nearly had a heart attack.

The heads of every department were present, as well as the CEO himself, the world famous pervert, Kakashi Hatake.

The shocker however, was that at the head of the table, was his father.

Fugaku Uchiha.

Shit.

Fugaku nodded at Sasuke and Sasuke sat down heavily by Itachi, who was looking amused as hell.

The meeting started with Kakashi going straight to the point.

"Morning people. I hope you all had well-sexed weekends-"

Sasuke noticed Fugaku look at Kakashi in exasperation.

"-because you'll all be having one helluva week. For those of you who don't read the morning paper, like Sasuke, our firm has merged with Rasengan Publishing and-" he paused for effect. "-was bought in a non-hostile take over by Uchiha corp. We will keep our respective names though. You will not lose your jobs so Kiba I'd appreciate it if you quit sweating at the table. That will be all. Any questions? Put your hand down Kiba. No questions? Good."

That wasn't even their strangest meeting.

As everyone filed out, Sasuke sat there, glaring at his father. Itachi sat by him, stifling a yawn.

The door shut with a final click and Sasuke hissed, "Why?"

Fugaku looked at him innocently, "Why what?"

"Why the hell did you buy this company?"

"I bought it for your mother."

Sasuke rolled his eyes, "Her birthday's next month."

"I don't encourage procrastination."

"Would roses and a card be too much to ask?"

"I didn't know you wanted any."

Itachi laughed as Sasuke scowled at his father.

"Look dad, you promised to let me do what I want, work where I want and make me join Uchiha Corp only after Itachi died of old age-" Sasuke grabbed Itachi's jaw. "-does he look like he's dying of old age?"

Itachi put on a puppy dog face and Fugaku smiled at his sons.

"I'm not making you join."

"No," Sasuke snorted. "You just found a way to get me closer to your watchful eye."

"I resent that. I have two watchful eyes, thankyou very much."

Saskue huffed in frustration.

"Shashke?"

"What?" he growled at Itachi.

"Cooyou leggo offmy feysh now?"

Sasuke let Itachi's face go and Fugaku stood.

"I'm letting you do what you love Sasuke. I'm also letting you know that this won't last forever. I wish it could…"

Sasuke didn't reply and watched his father leave.

Itachi stood and looked down at Sasuke.

"They love you, you know."

"They're supposed to."

" See you around, little brother," Itachi smirked. "And a word of advice… you really should read the papers."

As itachi walked out, Shikamaru came back in.

"Thanks for the coffee."

Sasuke stared thoughtfully at the table and said, " Apart from the merger and take over, is their anything else I should know about?"

Shikamaru shrugged, "Yes. But seeing as how we're in a soundproof room with no witnesses, it would not be in my best interests to tell you."

"Shika-"

"Hey asshole, I got a message for you."

Sasuke turned to the door and saw his PA, Tayuya, standing there.

"What?"

She smirked, "kakashi says to get your ass to his office immediately."

Tayuya turned to Shika, "I acknowledge your prescence and refrain from calling you a lazy good for nothing bum."

Shikamaru smirked, "I ignore your acknowledgemnt and maintain that you are a pompous bitch."

"Hey! We signed a bloody treaty!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes and left the two arguing.

They'd been at each others' necks since Tayuya's first day. Shikamaru thought she was an extremely rude and unprofessional woman- which she was- and Tayuya thought Shikamaru was an extremely lazy and unprofessional man- once again, no argument there.

After three years of working together and throwing insults back and forth, Kakashi had called them both in and made them sign a 'I will be civil to *insert name here*' treaty.

It was obviously working splendidly.

While Sasuke enjoyed their verbal spars, he had no time for it today.

He listened to Kakashi and then scowled mightily at the pirate-wannabe's words, despising their implication.

"The idiot who writes fluff?"

"For an idiot, he's making an awful lot of money," Kakashi pointed out.

Sasuke scowled at that.

It was true.

Uzumaki had an entrancing style of writing that captured every feminine heart the world over.

Stuff that made Sasuke want to hurl.

He'd read only one book of Uzumaki's and it seemed like a regular cheap romance novel- but at five times the price.

"No."

"You have no choice in the matter. Contrary to popular belief, you do not live in a democracy. You'll join hands with Naruto, frolic through the flowers and find some semblance of balance between your angst and his sugar highs."

Sasuke frowned. "This won't work."

"Make it work…or I'll tell your mommy."

Sasuke paled. "I hate you."

Kakashi smiled and waved him off dismissively. "Yeah, yeah…off you go. Frolic away!"

Sasuke frolicked his middle finger in Kakashi's direction and left, feeling thoroughly put off and wondering if maybe he should become a fireman…Rescuing kitties didn't seem so bad.

**(I am a political page break. I rule.)**

Naruto yawned and lay his head down on the papers on the desk in front of him.

"I need those drool-free. Now get off my desk."

"No."

"Naruto…"

Naruto opened one eye and stared pleadingly at his best friend.

Gaara was having none of that.

"Go to your own office."

Naruto pouted, "Hey come on! It's far!"

"It's next door."

"Then _you _go there."

The next minute, people in the corridor were smirking as Naruto was rubbing his butt after being thrown from Gaara's office.

Gaara folded his arms, leaning against his door frame and smirked at Naruto.

Naruto lunged at him and thus began their weekly wrestling match.

The CEO, Jiraiya Sannin, walked in and sighed as Gaara was pinned.

His vice, Tsunade, held out her hand to him and he placed a fiver in it before shouting, "You'd better win Gaara…or Naruto's fired!"

Naruto blinked, "_What_?"

Gaara smirked and rolled them over, pinning Naruto.

The five was handed back to Jiraiya.

"Uh…guys…"

Everyone ignored the pink haired woman who was looking like she was wondering why she worked in a zoo, and continued to watch.

She sighed, "Mr Uchiha's here and he's on his way up."

Jiraiya and the others froze.

"Quick everyone, act professional!"

Gaara got up and helped Naruto off the carpeted floor.

Jiraiya and Tsunade made their way to the main conference room and motioned for Naruto and Gaara to follow.

Naruto's first thought when he entered the room and spotted Fugaku Uchiha was: "Must not piss in pants."

The man's eyes were hard and even though he looked at them pleasantly, he still made Naruto think of a panther…interesting to observe from a distance…a pretty large distance.

The meeting went by without a hitch.

Naruto wasn't particularly interested in the merger especially after hearing that nothing would change except the ownership. He'd read the papers that morning and the merger was the headline, with the rest of the pages going to which of Ms. Johnson's cats were rescued that week and other interesting tidbits.

When Fugaku left, Naruto yawned and stretched, making his way out when Jiraiya stopped him.

"Hold on kid."

The blonde sighed indulgently and turned. "Yeah?"

"Take a seat."

It was then that Naruto noticed everyone except Jiraiya, Tsunade and Gaara had aready walked out.

He dreaded what he had to hear. Well, at least he knew he couldn't get fired yet. He was a best selling author and enjoyed what he did. That aside, he didn't even need the money so really, the company was lucky to have him.

He listened as Jiraiya went into a long, drawn out explanation of how life and business work and how sometimes people have to do things they might not want to and-

"Get to the point, old man."

"You and Uchiha Sasuke will write a book together."

Naruto blinked. Obviously he hadn't heard right. "What?"

"You'll work with little Sasuke to produce a masterpiece."

"I'm sorry…what?"

Jiraiya decided to speak slowly. "You and the Uchiha are expected to write a novel together."

"_What_?"

Gaara sighed, "I think he's broken."

"No."

"Look, it's to signify the firm's affiliation to Uchiha corp… not the son, but the merger between Rasengan and Chidori."

"A publicity stunt." Naruto said dryly.

Jiraiya nodded sympathetically.

"That's all it is. And having the two best selling authors in the world write a book together will be a major achievement."

"How? Our writing styles are completely different."

"That's why it'll be perfect. You'll need to get synced."

"Oh joy."

"So… for the duration of the next three months, you, the Uchiha and your personal entourage will be living on Akatsuki."

"What?"

"One of the private islands owned by the Uchihas."

"And my entourage…?"

"Whoever you think will help with the book. It's like an all-expense paid vacation so…I won't mind if you don't pick me."

"Okay."

"Reverse psychology says you're supposed to plead with me to come."

Naruto yawned.

Jiraiya scowled, "Selfish bastard… Anyway, I assumed beforehand that you'd take Sakura and Gaara with you so I've already gotten them their tickets."

Gaara stilled, "Who said I wanted to go?"

"Me, now shut up. You'll have a few other people along for any other things you might need. I'm having Hinata go along as well. Her cousin Neji will be there to ensure everything's going right."

"Hyuugas are involved?" Gaara asked quietly.

"Well, they _are _the Uchiha's lawyers…and this is important."

"How secluded is the island?" Naruto asked suddenly.

"Not secluded enough for you to kill the Uchiha."

"Damn."

Naruto and Sasuke had never met but they had an on-going rivalry well known among the publishing circles.

It had all started when Naruto's first book had been published when he was sixteen. Sasuke had been asked about it and had stated: 'It seems that the world is now open to welcoming children's clichéd imaginations into our literary collections'.

Naruto had read the piece and immediately hated the arrogant bastard.

He'd tried his hardest to produce different pieces and because his writing was good, Jiraiya allowed him to divert from his signature fantasy and young adult novels. Under varying pennames, Naruto wrote horrors, thrillers, romances and whatever caught his fancy.

He was Rasengan's prized author and even though he was only recognized for the work he did under his own name, Naruto knew he was a great writer…and had vowed that one day, the Uchiha would recognize him as such.

That however, seemed like ages ago and now, even though he didn't particularly care what the rich bastard thought of him, he still had his books released the same day as Sasuke's and somehow, their book signings, movie releases and public events always coincided.

If Naruto could have his way, he'd have changed his birthday to further irk the Uchiha.

The day went by with the occasional Friday wars and pointless emails and porn sent by Jiraiya.

Naruto drove home and got ready for bed. He packed everything he'd need and wondered if maybe he should carry his gun…just in case.

He slept fitfully, knowing that somehow, somewhere, knowing fully well what he was doing…he had sold his soul to the devil…and it was crunchy.

**(I am a spy page break. I didn't see you brush your teeth this morning.)**

Naruto ignored the car honking outside, hoping its battery would die and he could poke his head out and laugh.

His phone rang and he cut it off and put it on silent.

The sun was up but there was no reason he had to be.

Suddenly, there was banging at his door and he cringed.

"Naruto! Wake up!"

Naruto groaned and got out of bed before Sakura could break his door down. He really liked his new door and past experience had taught him that Sakura wasn't merciful to pieces of wood.

He threw the door open and glared at her. "There's no free breakfast here. Go home."

She rolled her eyes. "Did you forget about the trip…about your job?"

Naruto shook his head. "No, I'm ignoring it."

"Do you want to get fired?"

He shrugged. "I have money."

Sakura walked in, dragging Naruto behind her as she led him back up the stairs and into his bathroom where she shoved him into the shower without letting him even take his clothes off.

Naruto stood in the shower as his clothes got soaked through by the warm water that was soon going to scorch.

He groaned and threw his wet clothes off, tossing them into the laundry basket for the maid to get.

He took a quick shower and got dressed before Sakura came in to help him with that too.

Outside, the car was still honking persistently and he shouted, "Is that a cab?"

Sakura came into his room and handed him a glass of orange juice. "It's Gaara. Come on, we got coffee and doughnuts, you can eat in the car."

She helped him with his bags and went outside and got in the car. Hinata opened the doors for them before taking her place in the passenger seat.

Gaara looked irritated and Naruto smiled sheepishly. "I overslept?"

"Uh huh…"

Gaara drove madly through the highway and Naruto spent most of the time balancing his coffee instead of drinking it.

They made it to the train station and Naruto sighed. "Why are we here again?"

No one else seemed to be around and Naruto seemed apprehensive about the nearly empty parking lot.

Gaara shrugged. "It's the Uchiha's station apparently. It'll take us to their airport and we get a jet to the island."

"You're well-informed," Naruto pointed out suspiciously.

"You would be too if you paid any attention."

"ADD man."

"Uh huh…"

They walked into the building, pulling their suitcases behind them.

They were the first ones there. The platform was completely empty even though the train was hissing and puffing, as if ready to get going with or without them.

They stood by it and waited patiently until a man popped his head out of a window. "I'll be right with you."

They nodded and waited. The man had brown hair and two triangular tattoos under his eyes.

He smiled pleasantly at them all and said, "No one else is here yet so I just got in. The conductor seems to have had Mexican last night and is presently occupied in stall three so I guess I'll help you with your bags."

He stepped forward and offered his hand to the blonde, "Hi, you're Naruto right?"

Naruto nodded.

"I'm Kiba. Sasuke's maidservant."

"Really?"

"Nah, the ass just thinks I am."

Naruto chuckled, "Okay… but he invited you here, didn't he?"

Kiba nodded, "He'll never admit it but he loves having me around."

Someone snorted and Naruto looked behind him to find two men with dark hair staring at them. The first had his hair styled like a pineapple had lazy brown eyes that seemed to be on the look-out for pillows. The second man-

Naruto found he couldn't look away when his eyes met dark, blank ones…

Kiba chuckled, "What's with the snort Uchiha? You in denial?"

The pale man rolled his eyes and sighed, "Not in your wildest dreams, dogboy."

Naruto watched them with amusement…and a twinge of excitement. The kind of excitement one would get right before they robbed their ex-wife's bank.

Naruto looked at the trio and smiled. They didn't seem normal at all. In fact, they kind of reminded him of his own workmates.

"Hello," Naruto smiled forcefully at Sasuke. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto."

Sasuke nodded and shook his hand, "Uchiha Sasuke."

Naruto looked at Sasuke and lied through his teeth. "Nice to meet you."

"Hn." Sasuke stated.

Gaara, Hinata and Sakura took that moment to let their bags drop loudly.

Hinata nodded at the others slightly, "Hinata Hyuuga. Nice to meet you."

Kiba, Shikamaru and Sasuke stared hard at her.

"Hyuuga?" Kiba asked in astonishment.

"Yes."

"You're related to Neji?"

Hinata nodded, "Is that a problem?"

Kiba burst out laughing while Shikamaru and Sasuke held back amused grins.

"No. Not at all."

Hinata sighed, "I guess he hasn't changed, huh?"

"No," Kiba managed, easing off his laughter.

"Hello," Sakura greeted, after a moment. "Haruno Sakura."

She shook Sasuke and Shikamaru's hands and kneed Kiba when he tried to get a hug instead.

Gaara sighed and helped Kiba up, "Gaara Subaku."

"Kiba Inuzuka," Kiba said in a high pitched voice, using Gaara as support. "And this is Nara Shikamaru."

"FUCK!"

"And that should be Tayuya."

Shikamaru groaned, "I thought you'd leave her behind."

Sasuke shrugged, "Kakashi likes to see you suffer. He ordered her to come."

They all watched as a young woman came streaming down the platform muttering curses.

"What's her problem?" Hinata asked, concerned.

"She's alive," Shikamaru answered darkly.

Gaara nodded, not really caring and proceeded to leave Kiba on Shikamaru, who promptly let him drop, before turning and getting onto the train.

Naruto smiled and moved onto the train after Gaara.

Sakura held back a chuckle and followed them on.

"Here."

Sasuke looked down at the handkerchief Shikamaru had handed him and raised an eyebrow questioningly at him.

"To wipe the drool," Shikamaru explained.

Sasuke scowled at him and got onto the train.

Naruto and Kiba were at a window seat, and were joined shortly by Tayuya, who seemed to get on perfectly with Kiba.

Shikamaru sat with Gaara who shot him a brief glance before settling back down.

"This'll be interesting," Shikamaru smirked.

Gaara nodded, looking worriedly at Naruto who was chatting animatedly with Kiba.

The Uchiha was sitting with Hinata, discussing something possibly mundane. Hinata may have joined the publishing company but she'd studied law. She was often threatening Jiraiya with lawsuits because of the many times he apparently accidentally gotten lost in the women's locker rooms.

Sakura was sitting alone, arguing with Kakashi and Jiraiya who'd just arrived to see them off.

Shikamaru watched Sasuke and noticed the many times his eyes drifted to the blonde…

Yeah…it would be very interesting.

**A/N: Okay people, before you start with the whole "What fic are you even planning on finishing?" Lemme just say that I'm adorable and you shouldn't yell at me cause I'll cry.**

**I have plots ready for each of the fics and know how they're supposed to end and everything…it's the getting there that's the problem but as you've noticed, I've been updating them frequently (ish) and you should be proud of me dammit!**


	2. Welcome to paradise and other lies

**Lockdown**

by Rizember

**xxx-xxx**

**Summary**: With everything accounted and provided for, rival authors, Sasuke Uchiha and Uzumaki Naruto are

given three months on a not-so-private island to come up with a bestseller. Too bad they can't stand each other.

Humor. SasuNaru/NaruSasu

**xxx-xxx**

**Beta'ed by: [UnBeta'ed]**

**xxx-xxx**

**Chapter Two: Welcome To Paradise**

**xxx-xxx**

**A/N: Edited and reposted cause no one saw fit to tell me FF botched up my chapter, deleted whole paragraphs and left unfinished sentences…**

**Sorry for the rubbish I put up. Hope this one's fine.**

**WHERE THE HECK IS MY BETA?**

**xxx-xxx**

**Disclaimer: **Once again, my parents say I own nothing.

**xxx-xxx**

Naruto woke to find himself being violently shaken. As his brain rebooted, he wondered if this was how martinis felt.

He opened his eyes, ready to knock out the fool who _dared _to disturb his slumber and found himself staring at an unfamiliar face.

"Wake up!"

It took awhile to place the brunet as his mind provided the necessary info:

**Name of human alarm clock**: Kiba Inuzuka.

**Age**: 25

**Life Span**: Next five seconds.

"WILL YOU STOP SHAKING ME? I'm awake, dammit!"

A few seats away, Sasuke looked at the two idiots and smirked.

Instead of him having to write a book with Mr. Fluff, maybe the blond idiot and his new brunet friend could write a book together. Given a few years, maybe they could come up with something half as

good as 'Green eggs and ham', though he doubted it.

Naruto was glaring at Kiba who was still looking doubtful at the state of the blond's wakefulness.

"We've arrived."

Naruto blinked. "I slept through the whole flight?"

Kiba snorted. "You slept through the whole _train ride_."

The blond threw him a dirty glance. "Then why the hell did you wake me up?"

"Cause no one's gonna carry your _ass _and your _luggage _onto the plane."

Naruto sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Please do not refer to my ass with such disregard. It's impolite."

When Kiba stared at him blankly, he smiled patronisingly and said, "I'm awake. You can go now."

He turned and saw everyone getting their bags down. Glad he wasn't a woman and thus, not inclined to having four suitcases with one, he assumed, just for make up.

Naruto dragged his giant suitcase behind him, stifling a yawn as he passed Sakura who shot him a look that was obviously meant to make him stop and help her with her bags. Immune to her feminine

wiles, Naruto ignored his pink haired friend and got off the train.

Outside, he made his way to the large building that, from his mighty powers of perception; he assumed was the Uchiha's airport. It may have helped that it was the only building there…and had the

Uchiha fan on it but that was beside the point.

Figured the Uchiha family would have their own airport because apparently, just having a jet like other rich people wasn't enough.

Naruto frowned as he walked toward the building, ignoring calls for him to wait up. Ever since his self-proclaimed rivalry with the Uchiha started, Naruto had ran a background check on the raven, not

that it was necessary. The Uchihas were a well-known family the world over.

Naruto shook his head as he tried to clear his thoughts.

This was purely business.

It wouldn't do to involve his unprofessional desire to maul the arrogant bastard in their little assignment. Really, so far the man had been perfectly civil, but that was because they'd only interacted for

about five minutes… in full view of potential witnesses.

Naruto made it to the building first and went in, immediately feeling his pockets for his passport, wondering if he'd need it.

Did people as mighty as the Uchihas need things like 'passports' to go across borders?

He figured they were probably above the law…and if the sulky brunet killed him on the island, people would probably claim that he had done the world a favour.

As the others joined him, he innocently whistled and looked up at the ceiling as Sakura and Kiba shot him glares, the latter somehow dragging three of Sakura's bags along with his own.

Shikamaru and Gaara seemed both at ease and extremely troubled by the whole situation. Naruto suspected they had both been bullied into the trip but while Gaara was one to choose his battles,

Shikamaru probably forfeited all of his. On any given day, Gaara could easily outglare Tsunade and outwit Jiraiya but lately, he seemed to have grown out of the quiet emo 'look at me and it's the last

thing you'll ever do' guy Naruto had met when he was five.

Gaara had shoved Naruto and the little blond just giggled and shoved the boy back, thinking it was a game. As they rolled around in the sand box, Gaara had wondered what the blond was

thinking…wondering why he wasn't running away like all the other children who thought he was weird. Naruto had stopped, pulled Gaara's hair and declared that after orange, red was his favourite

colour. He'd invited Gaara to his house after school and over milk and cookies with Naruto's mum fussing over them, the little redhead had quietly said Naruto was his best friend.

Naruto had beamed and said Gaara was his best friend too.

Funny really, that Naruto should think about that now when Gaara had become relatively normal during high school. He still had bouts of gloom and doom where Naruto was sure there was a dark cloud

tailing the redhead, but those were few and far between.

Looking at his best friend now, Naruto wasn't really surprised to see the shadows under his eyes. Apparently the redhead wasn't sleeping well again. He decided he'd ask him about it later.

Sakura watched Naruto's gaze soften as he looked at Gaara and chuckled softly to herself.

Naruto shook his head out of his thoughts and caught Gaara's gaze. Gaara rolled his eyes as Naruto made a face and turned away.

Sasuke and Hinata were still talking, making Naruto wonder just what the hell could be so interesting. Usually, Hinata showed some wild streak but from what he could tell, she seemed thoroughly tame

at the moment.

"It's rude to stare."

Naruto blinked. It took awhile to realize Sasuke had caught him staring, even though technically, his eyes had stayed still while his mind went on a short trip.

His first reaction was to yell at the raven, maybe get in a black eye or two while he was at it but he controlled himself.

Living with a group of crazy people who'd appointed themselves as his guardians had made him lower his vocal (and violent) reactions. Hell, with all the mental games his 'family' played, it was a

wonder he wasn't psychic yet.

"See something you like?"

Naruto smiled slowly, "No."

Sasuke arched an eyebrow at that but settled for rolling his eyes and turning away.

Hinata managed to stifle a giggle and nodded lightly at Naruto. "We'll be boarding in fifteen minutes."

The blond nodded and moved to the chairs, sitting down heavily. The others followed his lead, with Gaara shooting him a curious glance. Naruto grinned. Hell, just because he wasn't being loud was no

reason for people to get worried…okay, maybe it was but…

Damn it.

He needed to keep whatever cool he'd gained just so he didn't confront the Uchiha.

Surely the man remembered he'd given Naruto a somewhat crappy review…

But it seemed like Sasuke didn't particularly care…or didn't remember.

Naruto bit his lip, deep in thought.

People never remembered bad books. Hell, they tried to forget them as soon as they put them down.

Was his writing so bad that the Uchiha had forgotten about it?

Naruto ran a hand through his unruly hair and settled back into his seat.

They'd been on the train barely six hours and his stomach was already craving ramen.

Knowing it wouldn't be served on the plane, he wondered if he'd survive the day.

**(I am a spy page break. You didn't eat your veggies)**

Sasuke watched the blond wearily. Sitting at an airport terminal with your eyes closed was a new level of stupid.

Sure, there was no possibility of being robbed but falling asleep in public places was how people got raped.

Groaning at that utterly retarded train of thought, Sasuke sighed.

Naruto Uzumaki was not what he expected. Sasuke hadn't known he'd be this…interesting to look at. The unruly, bright blond hair, the clear baby blue eyes, the tan skin…

Unlike most authors, he didn't put his photo in any of his books. For some reason, where his portrait would be, there was always a cartoon drawing of a guy with messy hair and a wide grin stupidly

giving the peace sign.

Sasuke figured that was about as immature as one could really get. How the publishers allowed it was beyond him.

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, he watched as Tayuya and Kiba rushed forward to sit by Naruto, grinning evilly as Tayuya somehow produced a marker seemingly out of nowhere.

Gaara turned toward them and for a moment it looked like he would tell them to stop, then seemed to think better of it and shrugged, turning back.

Sasuke hid a smirk as his bangs fell over his eyes. It served the idiot right.

"Excuse me?"

They all looked up.

"I'm Genma. I'll be your pilot today. Please grab your bags and follow me."

Naruto was shaken awake by his redheaded friend as Kiba and Tayuya had seen fit to just leave him sleeping there. He opened his eyes and growled low, apparently not being an afternoon person.

His clear blue eyes were dulled by sleep and showed confusion at why the others were all staring at him and smiling- like they were all in on a joke he wasn't.

Naruto shrugged it off and walked with Gaara and Shikamaru as they all made their way out to the waiting plane.

Sasuke gauged their reactions as they spotted the jet. Except for Kiba and Tayuya- "SHIT SASUKE!"-the rest seemed either impressed or skilled in hiding whatever reactions he'd expected.

A man came up and helped each of them with their bags as they boarded the large jet.

Gaara surprised the raven by sitting next to him. Arching an eyebrow and getting no response in return, Sasuke figured he shouldn't bother himself. A few seats away, the blond had already fallen

asleep.

"Is he always this lethargic?" Shikamaru asked, earning himself incredulous looks from his colleagues.

Gaara smiled fondly at Naruto, replying, "He's programmed to fall asleep during travel."

Feeling it wasn't his place to ask and he wasn't particularly interested anyway, Sasuke settled back into his seat, opening the book he'd set aside for the trip.

Shikamaru, feeling his 'lazy bastard' title was being stolen by a rookie, soon followed Naruto's lead, earning extra lazy points by somehow creating an expression that showed that dreaming was

troublesome.

**(I am a Naruto page break. I give hourly inspirational speeches)**

Naruto woke up to the sound of the pilot saying something about landing somewhere in twenty minutes…

Slowly, his groggy mind started over and he looked up. Everyone else was quiet. Kiba and Tayuya were playing a card game that didn't seem to require verbal responses and Shikamaru was asleep.

Sakura and Hinata were talking quietly and Gaara was staring out his window while Sasuke read a book.

Naruto's eyes narrowed as he read the title of Sasuke's book. He smiled slightly and looked out his window. All he could see was the ocean and he wondered what measures would be taken if the

plane ran out of gas… Picturing a floating gas station in front of a ramen fast food castle in the sky, he chuckled.

Maybe he could write a book about that.

Sadly, Jiraiya had told him to stop thanking ramen in his acknowledgments…it was enough that he thanked the ramen stand and its owners in every book. Soon, people were going to start seeing a

pattern there.

Naruto doubted that.

His books were as diverse as him… He wrote every genre except poetry…well, he wrote alittle poetry but sometimes got frustrated when they didn't rhyme. Still, all his 'little book of poetry' books were

major hits.

Jiraiya considered him a private goldmine and all the blond asked in return, apart from his huge paycheck of course, was for the old pervert to pay for his ramen. It really wasn't asking too much.

The PA system crackled as the pilot called for their attention.

"If you look out your windows, you'll be able to see the Akatsuki Island. We'll be arriving in ten minutes so please buckle your seat belts and prepare for landing."

**(I am a boring page break. Blah.)**

Apparently Uchihas and their guests were immune to the laws of the world and as such, no passports were required.

Naruto pondered the safety of that. He could have easily hijacked the plane for skywriting and the country would have had to have dealt with "Uzumaki Is Awesome" in the skies of their many

provinces…until he ran out of gas and the plane just froze in midair.

Shaking his head, the blonde decided that maybe watching Looney Toons wasn't helping his brain.

They got off the plane and into the terminal without much hustle, except for Kiba, who was still foolishly helping Sakura with her bags.

"Welcome to Akatsuki." The woman facing them had long blonde hair and was smiling pleasantly at them. "I'll be your host. My name is-"

"Pig?"

The blonde looked around, her gaze halting at Sakura. "Forehead?"

The girls rushed forward in giggles and hugs and through all the squealing, Naruto gathered that they'd grown up

together and had only parted after college.

He wondered why they hadn't kept in touch if they'd been such good friends but dismissed the thought. It wasn't

his business.

The blonde woman introduced herself as Ino Yamanaka, their host here on the island.

She seemed nice enough and even complimented Naruto on his moustache and-

_Wait…_

Naruto grabbed Sakura's handbag, ignoring her protest and grabbed a compact mirror. The others watched in amusement as he finally saw the art Kiba and Tayuya had expressed on his face.

Naruto stood absolutely still for a few seconds before Sakura stepped forward. "N-Naruto…?"

He put her mirror back in her handbag and handed it to her. Kiba and Tayuya were waiting, wondering if they'd offended the blond.

"Who did this?"

It was asked in such a quiet voice that when he looked up at them with a creepy wide grin, they all unconsciously took a step back.

All innocent bystanders pointed at Kiba and Tayuya.

"We gotta stick together and-" Kiba said quietly to Tayuya, only to be interrupted by the clacking of her heels as she bolted away from the charging blond, taking the 'every woman for herself' route.

The brunet found himself tackled viciously and soon they were rolling on the tiled airport floor. Naruto finally pinned Kiba down and with one hand, held both wrists. As Kiba struggled underneath him,

Naruto smirked, producing a marker his ninja ways had somehow procured from Sakura's handbag. He drew glasses, a moustache and a goatee on Kiba before he smiled, happy with his work.

Kiba growled as they stood, paused and started laughing.

"You know…I did have a partner in crime," he pointed out.

Naruto nodded. "Well, we can't let her get away then…"

They both chased after Tayuya, all the way into the ladies room. They snickered. As if something like cooties could keep them away from revenge.

They bolted in and grabbed her before she could lock herself up in a stall.

**(I am a ninja page break. My fart can take down three villages and a mid-sized Hokage)**

Sasuke was getting impatient.

Because of the three stooges, they were going to be late.

His anger melted away to vague annoyance as they returned.

Tayuya's face had been graced with the curly moustache of villains everywhere and it looked like her eyebrows had been shaved off before a new pair were drawn on…a curvy pair of eyebrows that

made her look like she was permanently surprised.

As they got closer, Sasuke noted that Tayuya's eyebrows had just been covered with some kind of cream so they appeared non-existent.

Ino looked up and smiled at them. "Okay, now that you're all here, we'll get going. Please follow me."

They followed her onto a large waiting bus and took off.

Naruto and the other two immediately washed their faces in the surprisingly spacious bathroom facilities on the bus. Lucky for them, the permanent

markers weren't up to par in the whole permanent-ness deal.

Akatsuki was a beautiful island. Sasuke remembered coming there with his parents and brother when he was younger. He'd enjoyed the forest more than the beaches, even though he'd found the rush

of the ocean and the white, shifting sand quite relaxing.

The forest made up a good part of the Island even though from what he could tell, it had been moderately cut down to erect more buildings. The road was large and he could see the forest on the other

side as only one or two other cars passed by them.

Ino stood as they neared the town.

"From here, you can see the town of Akatsuki. It's relatively small as towns go but there aren't many people on the Island except on special occasions. So far, there are about six hundred towns

people and most of them work for the Uchihas," she continued. "There is a five star hotel as well as many high ranking lodges, restaurants and stores."

Sasuke watched the town get nearer. It was certainly larger than he'd remembered…and definitely had more people now than the fifty odd men it had started off with.

"To your left is the Akatsuki forest. It proudly boasts a wide variety of animals, plants and the rare red-tipped falcon. All forest excursions will require you having a guide on hand as there are also quite

a few things to watch out for."

The raven could make out the outline of the town now. It was more of a little city, bustling with activity. The bus moved slowly through the town and Sasuke watched as the people waved at them in

welcome. He supposed they'd been told an Uchiha was coming and wanted to make a good impression.

They passed by a string of clothing stores, a few grocers and tailors… It hardly looked like a small town set up.

The building weren't as high as in big cities but they were certainly elegant.

The market place was right in the centre of town, where most of the activity was.

They passed the market place and went by more of the shops, before nearing the Akatsuki Hotel. It was the largest building on the island and was built in the shape of an A. Most of the town rested on

the higher part of the island and looked over most of the forest and the homes in what was the suburban area.

When they passed the hotel, Sasuke frowned. Couldn't they be allowed to rest before going on this so-called tour of the island?

"You will be staying at the Uchiha Manor."

Sasuke blinked. "What?"

Ino smiled politely at him. "The Manor. Your brother called ahead and said you were to live at the manor for the duration of your stay."

Sasuke nodded and sank back into his seat, mentally promising Itachi a slow and brutal death.

The bus went down the slope and they were all able to see the homes of all the townspeople. It was easily a large neighbourhood and was neat and lively. The bus slowed down as children ran on and

off the road, chasing dogs, balls and each other as they laughed and chattered away.

Sasuke looked toward the front of the bus and noticed Naruto smiling softly at the passing children even as some of them stopped and waved enthusiastically.

Ino pointed out a few buildings to them, including the school and the clinic.

They passed all the homes and turned off the main road onto a smaller one. The houses disappeared from sight and were replaced by large trees. Finally, the trees stopped and they came to a large gate.

"Wow," Sakura stated in awe.

The place was certainly awe-inspiring. What the trees had kept hidden was a large than life mansion surrounded by clean cut lawns and busy servants. The whole area was bathed in sunlight and

surrounded by an electric fence that somehow, didn't spoil its ethereal beauty. The forest was well away from the fences and it was like the manor was an island all on its own…a secluded area away

from the rest of the world.

**(I am a carrot page break. I am a veggie)**

Naruto shivered slightly at the thought of being stuck at the manor. Even though it seemed warm and welcoming, he couldn't help but dislike the fact that it was so isolated. His only comfort was the

servants moving around.

When the gates were opened, he grinned as he saw them rush to line up at the front steps.

They got off the bus and before they could even retrieve their luggage, they were shooed away and their bags were gotten for them. Naruto smiled and thanked the man who took his bags. Abit taken

aback, the man nodded and grinned, pulling the bags up a ramp as he followed the other servants inside.

Naruto felt uneasy at the line of people dressed in black and white. Maids and manservants… Smiling at them, he wondered if they rented their clothes off to other people for special occasions cause

they certainly seemed fancy enough.

"WELCOME!"

_Oh no…_

It couldn't be…

Naruto looked up the steps and shrank back, moving to stand behind Gaara who chuckled when he noticed what had shaken the blond. On the steps were two men they'd seen many times

before…men they'd supposedly left back home.

Kotetsu Hagane and Izumo Kamizuki.

Naruto hoped he could escape before they saw him and-

"Naruto! HEY NARUTO! OI BLONDIE!"

Naruto cringed inwardly before sighing and stepping out besides Gaara.

The others seemed curious as to what was going on but patiently waited for him to explain.

Izumo Kamizuki had shoulder-length brown hair styled to fall over one eye. Apparently the ladies thought it was sexy. He also happened to be pretty laid back and a sweet talker whenever the mood

called him.

Kotetsu Hagane had wild, unruly hair (apparently, Naruto's role model in hair styling) and a small goatee. There was also always a bandage on his nose that he told Naruto was from a nose job gone

bad…which was a stupid thing to say considering you could see his nose was perfectly fine. Kotetsu was also-

"Naruto, I told you there was no need for you to elope to some island with Gaara just so you could get laid. Honestly, that's what hookers are for."

-the pervert of the two.

Naruto sighed as Kotetsu pulled him into a crushing hug.

Ino chuckled. "Um…are you the chaperones?"

Naruto blushed, "We have chaperones?"

Ino nodded, "Yes, they arrived here yesterday. All five of them. Apparently they were sent by Rasengan to look after you."

Naruto paled. "Five of them?"

Aw crap.

The others were now laughing openly at Naruto's expense.

"UZUMAKI NARUTO!"

Naruto froze and looked up at the steps at the avenging angel, ready to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting humans who'd dared to take her charge from her.

"Uh…hi mom."

Kushina Uzumaki, lovely woman…terrible temper.

She rushed down and shoved Kotetsu out of the way, pulling Naruto to her. "Why'd you leave without telling me? I was so worried!"

Naruto groaned and tried to pull away. "Mom, this is my job. I was told yesterday. I was gonna call you after I got settled in, promise."

The beautiful red head scanned her son's body for signs of well…anything and finding nothing nodded and let him go before turning on Gaara. "And you!"

Gaara gulped, taking a step back.

"Kushina, you're embarrassing him."

Naruto looked up and groaned. Iruka Umino and Raidou Kuzunoha smiled kindly at him.

Naruto turned to Sakura, who was having a hard time not collapsing from laughing so hard. "Kill me now."

"You included your whole family in your entourage?" Kiba asked through his guffaws.

Naruto growled, "What the hell are you guys doing here?"

Kushina frowned. "Language young man."

Sighing, the blond groaned.

Ino chuckled and decided to put her fellow blond out of his misery.

"They are your chaperones." Apparently she wasn't helping much as Naruto's pained expression grew dark.

"I am not a child."

"You're barely twenty two," Kushina smirked.

"Exactly. Last time I checked, I was already in adult circles. I can drink, smoke and overdose on crack…all with the help of my ID."

Kushina shook her head, smiling tolerantly. "Real funny, sweetheart."

"Don't you guys have jobs you should be at?"

Kushina frowned slightly at that and abruptly pulled out her phone, walking off.

Naruto sighed as the others watched him with badly hidden grins. Even the Uchiha looked extremely amused.

"You'll be led to your rooms in a moment and given time to rest. If you want a tour of the house, you're welcome to ask."

Sasuke sighed, not wanting strangers walking around his family's vacation home.

"Mr. Uchiha, restricted rooms have been locked and cordoned off with red ribbons on the doors so you don't need to worry. Your family rooms are out of bounds."

Sasuke nodded and Ino, with a small smile at Naruto who was glaring at the four men around him, led the way into the house, instructing several servants to lead the guests to their rooms.

Naruto stayed at the back of the group, walking slowly and whispering furiously at his 'chaperones'.

"Guys, this isn't funny."

"We know…but we couldn't leave you here alone. Besides, we'll be gone soon enough."

"Define 'soon enough'."

Iruka looked away uncomfortably. "We won't get in your way."

"You guys are gonna stay here for three months!"

Kotetsu grinned, "Yup."

"I hate you."

Raidou scowled at them. "Stop teasing the boy. We're here on business."

Raidou and Iruka were both architects and with all the building and developing going on in the town, Naruto could accept that… Tch. Like hell he would.

"Isn't it abit too much of a coincidence that you should all be called away to jobs here?"

"I guess," Raidou shrugged. "But Iruka and I are living in the town at a lodge so we're closer to the site."

Naruto's eyes narrowed. Their story may have checked out but it was still too suspicious.

"What about you two?"

Izumo was a doctor and Kotetsu was a Karate instructor so he really didn't see how they'd just up and leave town to come here.

Izumo smirked, "Well…I…uh…wanted to help the people of the town and-"

"Bullshit."

Izumo chuckled, "Okay. Jiraiya and Tsunade sent me here to watch over you and make sure you didn't die of something tropical."

"You can't just leave a hospital abruptly!" Naruto looked aghast. "People could die!"

Izumo patted the blond's head affectionately. "Don't worry. We've actually known about this for months so the hospital was able to make the necessary-"

"What?"

"I said-"

"You knew about the merger months ago?"

Iruka nodded. "Well, we _are _Rasengan shareholders."

"I thought it was done-"

"The other day?" Raidou chuckled. "Nah. The business world isn't as dramatic as soap operas make it out to be."

"Anyway, the only people staying in this house with you will be your mother and Kotetsu," Iruka explained. "The rest of us will be in town."

"Except for me," Izumo stated. "I'll be ten minutes away. The clinic offered me a house nearby for the duration of my stay."

"Why can't mom go home?" The blond whined. "I can take care of myself and it's not like I'm alone here."

Kotetsu ruffled the boy's hair, looking at Kushina who was waving her hands frantically as if the person on the line could see her flailing.

"She means well."

"May I escort you inside?"

They looked at a butler who had been patiently waiting as they talked. Naruto noticed they were the only ones in the hallway. His body shaking with frustration, Naruto walked away from them,

following the butler.

So…it seemed everyone knew about the merger and his ticket to hell.

And they hadn't bothered telling him.

Naruto noticed the others didn't follow and didn't bother himself over it.

He was angry at all of them for treating him like a child… Especially his mother. He'd have thought that by now…

"Your room sir."

Startled, Naruto looked up and smiled apologetically at the butler. "Call me Naruto."

The butler shook his head, affronted. "I could never-"

"Please."

The words were spoken quietly but the butler looked at Naruto and appreciated the earnest request. He nodded.

"Your room, Naruto."

Naruto smiled, "Thankyou…"

"Yamato."

"Thankyou Yamato."

The man bowed gracefully and walked off before Naruto could tell him not to bow.

The blond took note of the fact that there were only two doors in the hallway. He opened his door and took in the black and orange that made up his room. Orange and black pillows rested on the black

duvet of his bed. The black dresser across the room had his bags leaning against it and a small orange alarm clock rested on the black bedside table. The two colours went well together and he

grinned, pleased with his room. The black bookcase that was against the wall between his and the other room, was stacked with novels. Naruto decided to go through them later. He always enjoyed

the styles of different writers.

There were two other doors there and upon inspection, Naruto found one leading to a magnificent bathroom, full with tub, shower and jacuzzi and the other was to a walk-in closet.

Naruto walked to the large window and drew the curtains. From what he could tell, his room was on the other side of the house. From his window, he could see a small garden growing down there as

well as a few fruit trees. The manor was beautiful and peaceful and even though it seemed detached from everything else, Naruto figured that sometimes, that was a good thing.

Naruto hurriedly unpacked, deciding to skip the house tour and lunch. He was hungry but his body wanted sleep.

Besides, if it wasn't ramen, he was in no hurry.

Before he fell asleep, he locked his door.

He didn't want to see his overbearing 'parents'.

Suddenly, his sleep vanished and he was left staring at the ceiling. He was still mad at his mother for coming…and even more so at the others for their lame excuses to keep him close.

He didn't need them to be there all the time. He was doing fine on his own.

**(I am an awesome page break. Bow before me)**

Sasuke looked out his window at the garden below. He remembered playing in it, helping his mom weed it even though he'd ended up removing more vegetables than weeds.

He sat down on his bed and looked around the room. It had been his room all those years ago and he could still call a few fond memories of hiding from Itachi while playing hide and seek and hiding

from the butlers when they tried to find him for dinner.

He'd enjoyed hiding.

He lay back on his bed and stared at the ceiling.

"Master Sasuke?"

Sasuke sighed. "Come in."

Yamato came in and bowed. "Lunch is served downstairs."

Sasuke nodded. "I'll be right down."

Yamato nodded and walked out, closing the door behind him.

The raven got up and stretched. Moving to the door, he walked out into the hall and froze.

"Oh great."

Yamato looked at him questioningly, but his gaze was on the 'guest' behind the butler. The blond who was closing his door as he talked loudly to the butler.

Sasuke scowled and froze when blue eyes locked on his.

Naruto seemed surprised but managed to put two and two together as he looked back and forth between Sasuke and his door. "Uh…I guess we're neighbours."

"Hn."

The blond blinked, then frowned. "What's 'Hn'?"

Sasuke turned away, ignoring him.

"Tch," Naruto mumbled. "Arrogant bastard."

Sasuke froze and Yamato motioned for Naruto to be quiet but the blond seemed to be on a roll.

"Inventing words that sound retarded-"

Sasuke turned.

"-thinking he can't sink to the levels of the rest of us humans and answer with actual words."

Naruto looked up and smirked, finding Sasuke in front of him.

"What did you say?"

The blond seemed unaffected by the glare he was getting. In fact, he looked intensely amused with the situation.

"Are you deaf?"

Sasuke looked him over a moment before turning away with a sneer, "You're not worth my time."

He found his shoulder being grabbed and he was turned back roughly. "Not worth your time?"

"Sir! Please-"

"Head down to the dining room, Yamato."

Yamato looked troubled but stood his ground. "I can't do that, sir."

"Then don't interfere."

"Don't talk to him like that, you asshole!" Naruto growled.

Sasuke removed Naruto's hand from his shoulder and spoke, his voice low and dangerous. "I want you to understand me perfectly, Uzumaki. I'm here to write a book and have had the misfortune to be

dumped with you as my co-writer. So let me explain one thing to you. I don't write crappy romances. I don't do fluff pieces. I don't care for throwing together some porn and a little plot and calling it a

novel. How I'm expected to write anything with you is beyond me so if I assume a 'high and mighty' attitude, it has been earned."

With that, Sasuke turned briskly away and out of sight.

Naruto was still. His hands shook with barely concealed fury as he struggled to contain his anger.

Yamato took a step forward. "Sir-"

"Naruto," he corrected automatically, before taking in a deep breath. "I'm sorry…"

"You don't need to apologize to me, si- Naruto."

Naruto smiled weakly. "I'm not hungry. I'll just go take a nap."

Yamato nodded slowly. "I'll tell the guests you're resting. But…"

"Yeah?"

"Would you like me to bring you anything?"

Naruto chuckled. "No thanks. There's nothing I want more than ramen and I doubt you have that here."

"But…we do."

The blond's eyes widened. "Really?"

Yamato nodded. "Yes, it's called Ichiraku's ramen. Their ramen is well loved in the town. I'll have some ordered and brought to you right away."

"No, if it'll be any trouble-"

"No trouble."

Naruto grinned, wide and genuine, as he hugged Yamato. "Thank you!"

He then rushed to his room, shutting the door behind him, leaving the amused butler behind, chuckling softly to himself.

In his room, Naruto sank against the door and ran a hand through his hair.

So…the Uchiha thought he wrote crappy, fluffy porn…

The raven thought he was a bad writer and not worthy of his time and respect.

That was fine.

Naruto smiled to himself. He had a new reason to stay here against his will…

He would destroy the Uchiha.

**xxx-xxx**

**A/N: Hewo...thanks for all the reviews guys :) I hope you enjoyed the chapter...**

**xxx-xxx**

**Review Reply**

**fireonice1292: **Er...my hypothetical babies have already been had so...*clears throat in awkward silence*…Thanks for the birthday wishes *beams*

**zangetsuichigo13: **thankyou. I do hope people will like it... :)

**Mayonaka Haruka**: sometime...*drum roll* HAS ARRIVED! *posing and wearing cape flapping in the wind*

**Sasunaruhugznkisses: **thanks so much! Glad you like it XD

**Moe**: I AM pretty cute, aren't I? *pause* oh, you meant the story...*another pause* um...yeah... I'm older, wiser and more addicted to yaoi...thanks for the bday wishes (hope my gift's in the mail)

**7thtreasure**: I enjoy weird Itachi's...remind me of my own weird older brothers...you did NOT brush your teeth! The page break has spoken! Not necessarily...other couples might pop in without my consent (my brain tends to

disagree with me sometimes...) what abut ShikaIno? "gay but true"? LMAO! Sweet!

**Lingo10**: be patient darn you!

**Mrs Hatake Itachi**: thankyou *bows*

**Iyfanatic**: Shikamaru is the hottest lazy bastard ever born... *sighs* when I grow up, I wanna be a lazy bastard, too. Shikamaru is important, don't worry :) I do like when people grin like fools so...woohoo! Laughter is food for the soul? Damn. No wonder my soul's put on weight.

**Tingale: **thankyou, hope you enjoyed it.

**Xiahans**: *mumbles* I wanna see how I go about it too...*out loud* hehe...yeah...I got it all figured out! Don't

stress! My page breaks enjoy praise. You may bow before them...or not...

**Kanazerosukenaru**: *pouts* don't yell at meh! Oh...I'm off the hook? Cool! I had no idea we'd gone fishing! Juicy smut...um...gimme a few chapters and uh...we'll see...?

**.**: the page breaks see all...know all...beat all... So go brush your teeth!

**ANIMEFREAK-995**: thankyou, will do

**Mochiusagi**: yeah it will XD thanks

**Itachisgirl88: **thank you :) *sighs with relief*

**Stavi: **He'll be eating a lot more than just words...hehe...*damn pervy brain! Shuttup!* Er...thanks *cackles madly*

**ugottalongway2go**: *British accent*indeed it is. Yay! (me hopes its good)

**ANIMEFREAK801: me **glad you like! Me glad you like A LOT! Haha XD look, I updated!

**The 17th Requiem: **yay! I love selling people! *crickets chirp* uh...I mean...LOOK A BRICK WALL! *runs away*

**MuffinzRBeast24**: Mmm...muffins...lol, I could try to write a romantic depressing fic...(but my love life is

depressing enough...what with it being non-existent & all...) awww...poor muffinz *pats Muffinz head* don't sigh

heavily! You're wasting oxygen! *glares madly* I AM NOT A CRAZY PERSON! *returns to mad author lab

grumbling*

**Mystique Monique aka Mina**: I 've finished a fic before! (then I deleted it even though it was good...Man, I'm an

idiot) please continue to enjoy and I'll gather my brain power and update :)

**Lusca Luna: **see! Cute! Yeah...I'm cute! *strikes cute pose...people boo* oh sod off.

**sasunaru2themax: **drool IS a strong hint, isn't it? Lol. Thanks so much XD

**Just Miki: ***blushing and mucho flattered* not loser-like at all...*beams* I'm thrilled you enjoy them so much! If it

makes you feel any better, I have a fic notebook (Yes indeed. A notebook where I write my fics. Crown me lame.)

thanks! XD

**FumetsuKaji: **I do hope you're right, lol. No, you ARE right. Hope you liked the fic so far... Thanks :)

**Juura99: **thanks (faints from all the compliments received) I'll do my best with it... Wait...are those...COOKIES!

OH YEAH! I'm beginning to think my love of virtual cookies is abit mental...hmm...

**animelove20**: yes! I am LOVED! *starts doing the chicken dance* thanks!

xxx-xxx

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	3. Unwanted guests and other surprises

**Lockdown**

by Rizember

**Chapter 3: Unwanted guests and other surprises**

**Beta'ed by: UnBeta'ed**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

Sleeping in the Uchiha manor was not Naruto's cup of tea. Hell, it wasn't even a warm beer. At least he could _tolerate_ warm beers.

The section of the mansion he was in seemed eerily quiet and he felt uneasy in it.

It wasn't just the fact that the place was crawling with butlers who seemed to crave any semblance of work, sneaking into his room at all hours of the day to ask if he wanted anything, if he needed any help with washing his back or if he desired any 'pleasure' magazines to help him _relax_...

He could have _sworn_ one was staring at him from the ceiling in a Spiderman outfit only to vanish when he blinked. And there was that one butler who had knocked on his bathroom door asking if he needed any help wiping his ass.

Okay, _maybe_ that last one had been a dream but the Spiderman dude had been real.

He sighed.

It was almost midnight and he _still _couldn't sleep, another thing to blame on the blasted manor.

Granted, before he'd had his little run-in with the Uchiha, he'd been so sure he was going to simply plan his escape and bolt but now...

He smiled in the dark.

Now all he wanted was to torture the man.

And he knew just what to do.

Maybe growing up with people who played mind-games like they played cards- that is, _with lots and lots of cheating_- was finally paying off.

Unfortunately for him, the people who could catch him at it were all present, acting as his chaperones.

Naruto snorted at that. It wasn't like they'd ever been able to stop him from doing anything remotely stupid. In fact, they were usually all in the background, cheering him on and making bets.

Well, except for his mom.

She was usually in the background moving forward, getting ready to swiftly reprimand or... y'know, _kill_, whoever was at fault. She was such a good lawyer, she could easily get herself off for murder. And probably even end up convincing the judge and jury that the dead guy really had it coming.

There was a soft knock on his door and Naruto wondered briefly if he should answer it. It might be a butler and he was pretty sure he'd snap and pummel them if they suggested helping him again. Or it could be his mother and goodness forbid she should start to rant and nag as to why he wasn't present for dinner: _was he ill? Did he have a tummy ache? Was he constipated?_

Seriously, he just wasn't in the mood to discuss his bowel movements.

"Open the door, asshole."

Naruto sighed in relief.

_Gaara_.

He got off his bed and opened the door. Gaara came in and shut the door before turning to stare at Naruto.

"You certainly don't look like you're resting."

Naruto went back to lie on his bed. "Funny, neither do you."

Gaara sighed and moved to lie on the bed beside Naruto.

"You haven't been sleeping," the blond said.

Gaara nodded but didn't offer any information.

They lay in silence for awhile.

Naruto noticed that the only light pouring into the room was from the moon outside.

He hated the dark. The moonlight wasn't even helping his fears. It reminded him of a time when-

"Remember when we were younger and you'd invite me to sleep over?"

Naruto smiled. "Yeah..."

"You were so gay."

Naruto punched Gaara's arm. "Those were not _slumber partie_s. They were 'sleep overs' as you so helpfully pointed out. Therefore, they were not gay."

"But you are."

Naruto chuckled and punched Gaara again. "I'm hetero-flexible."

"I believe the term is _bisexual_."

Naruto looked scandalized. "That implies that I'm restricted to _only _men and women. If there are any hot aliens out there, I want them to know that I do not discriminate. I would bang them, too...and bring peace to our worlds."

"How noble of you," Gaara snorted.

"Yeah," Naruto sighed. "I know."

"Must be tough being so great and oh so modest."

"I manage somehow," Naruto grinned. "So why haven't you been sleeping?"

Gaara shrugged. He only ever had trouble sleeping when he had a lot on his mind and usually it was over something that he didn't even need to brood about.

The last time had been when his older sister had caught her boyfriend cheating on her. He had spent nights plotting the guy's demise before Naruto calmly told him he'd help him plot revenge, not murder. Gaara had reluctantly agreed.

Gaara had two older siblings, Temari and Kankurou, and though they were older, he was criminally overprotective of them both.

He was also overprotective of Naruto.

"Uchiha wasn't present at dinner."

Naruto bristled at the thought of Sasuke, briefly wondering why Gaara had changed the subject but ultimately decided to humour him.

"I suppose they weren't serving the tears of malnourished puppies..."

"He's not evil," Gaara stated drily.

"He bothers me so he is."

Gaara looked over at Naruto in the dark, his green eyes shining with amusement. "Do you need my help?"

"Even _here_, murder is illegal," Naruto muttered, like it was a tragedy.

"I wasn't going to suggest _murder_," Gaara said, clearly affronted.

Naruto snorted in disbelief.

There was a long pause be fire Gaara sighed. "Alright, if we _aren't_ going to kill him, what exactly is the plan?"

"Playing Anko."

Gaara chuckled. "Seriously?"

Anko Mitarashi was the only person who hadn't shown up in Naruto's self-appointed chaperone/adult-entourage squad. She was a psycho-analyst and forensic profiler who worked for the Intelligence Agency called Anbu and as such, was prone to playing mind games even when they were completely unnecessary. She'd been banned indefinitely from the high school Naruto had attended, for threatening the school psychologist and somehow getting her to spill all her secrets instead of the other way around-with Naruto in the room, too.

Anko had also had a brief stint in the torture department of the Anbu.

Whatever Naruto was planning, if it involved Anko's mind (and her love for violence), Gaara wanted in. Maybe it would help with his _own_ little problem.

"So what's up with you?" Naruto tried again.

"Neji Hyuuga."

Naruto hummed in response. Hearing that Neji was going to be present had been a little...annoying, but it was nothing they couldn't handle. "When does he get here?"

"Kiba said tomorrow."

"What are you going to do?"

Silence...

"No," Naruto sighed. "You can _not_ murder him..."

"Why not?" Gaara whined.

The blond rolled his eyes at his usually-realistic best friend and smiled. "Maybe you just need a watered down version of Anko's..."

**(I am a high page break. Mmm...brownies...)**

Anko Mitarashi sneezed.

Behind her, a tall man with red hair and dark brown eyes smirked. "Someone must be talking about you."

Abruptly, she pulled out a gun and aimed it at his face calmly. "What do you know Namikaze? Have you been spreading rumours about me?"

"Please refrain form aiming any form of weaponry at my children, Anko," another man, older than the first, said slowly. He was blond and blue-eyed and looked terribly bored as they waited for their car to be serviced.

Anko huffed and put the gun away while the redhead rolled his eyes and muttered, "_Honestly_..."

They were lucky the station attendant hadn't seen the gun. Anko tended to be a little too trigger happy for their liking.

"Hey dad, I'm gonna go get a soda from the store," The redhead, Kyuubi, stated, yawning as he opened the car door. "You want anything?"

The blond, Minato, simply got out of the car, gave Anko a swift glare that carried the promise of death if she did anything stupid, and walked into the store with his son.

"I don't see why she had to come along," Kyuubi muttered, grabbing a basket. There only other people in the store were the clerk and a middle-aged man who seemed to be staring -and trying to appear nonchalant about it- at small bottle of viagra pills.

Minato followed closely behind Kyuubi. "She means well. Besides, Kakashi wanted us to get her away from him."

"Do we owe him any favours?"

"No."

"Then why the _hell _is that crazy woman in my car?"

"Well, she certainly couldn't get a ride in Chiyo's car."

Kyuubi scowled deeply at that.

Chiyo was his pseudo-grandmother. And if Kushina and Anko were forces to be reckoned with, Granny Chiyo had the power of Armageddon in her mouth. Chiyo and Kushina were constantly at odds, especially now that Minato and Kushina had expressed their desire for a divorce. A desire they'd been expressing for almost six years. Neither of them found the time to actually get the papers or hire lawyers but in their _minds_...

Well...even in their minds, they were _still _too busy to get divorced.

Minato ruffled Kyuubi's hair. "Anko might prove useful in keeping me and your mother from trying to kill each other."

"She's mom's best friend," Kyuubi stated drily. "She'd sooner kill you than betray mom."

"True..." Minato frowned. "So why _is _she in your car?"

Kyuubi sighed and walked to the fridge, throwing snacks into the basket as he walked down the short aisle. "Why they even let her back on the police force is beyond me..."

"She's to be under cover," Minato said pleasantly.

'She's insane."

"But she gets the job done."

"She's insane."

"What's wrong? I thought you liked her."

"She. Is. _Insane_."

Minato rolled his eyes at his oldest son. "Anywho, today's special. Today we shall all be gathered together as one family. Just like that day all those years ago."

"You mean Christmas? Two months ago?"

"_That's _the one."

"Hooray," Kyuubi muttered, tossing cokes and a fruit juice into the basket before heading for the counter. "Did I mention I'm getting a promotion?"

"_What_?" Minato grinned excitedly.

"I'm being promoted," Kyuubi repeated drily.

"You should probably use a higher, excited tone so the rest of the world believes that promotions are actually a _good_ thing," Minato offered in the same dry tone.

"Yeah well, they said I have to partner with Anko for the first six months."

Minato paled. "Son...I'm _so sorry_..."

"They know no one else will work with her."

"Yeah, that's true."

After a moment, Kyuubi frowned. "You don't seem all that surprised."

Minato took that moment to gain an intense interest in lasagna sheets and walked passed Kyuubi only to get caught in a headlock.

"Something you wanna tell me, dad?"

"Uh...no?"

Kyuubi tightened his grip.

"Okay, okay! I signed your name up to be her partner!"

Kyuubi huffed in disgust. "Under fifteen seconds and you squealed like a pig. And you call yourself the head of the interrogation department..."

Minato sniffed. "I don't handle headlocks well. Besides-"

"THIS IS A STICK-UP! EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR, _NOW_!"

Minato and Kyuubi turned to face the viagra-middle-aged man who was now holding a gun and watched him with disinterest.

"Put that down before you hurt yourself," Kyuubi said, annoyed.

The clerk looked terrified and had his hands up in obvious compliance- even though the man had said to _get down_.

Kyuubi held back a chuckle.

'Get down' sounded like an order to start dancing.

Clearing his head of unnecessary thoughts, he looked the man in the eye and said, "You will get seriously hurt if you do not put that gun away and turn yourself in."

"Are you cops?"

"Of course not," Minato said, with indignation. "We're much higher than that."

The man's eyes took on a crazy sheen and-

And then a loud bang filled the air, followed by the sound of shattered glass and the man fell to the ground, swearing and clutching at his arm. His gun was lying on the floor, useless.

Minato sighed as Anko came into the store smiling, with a long range rifle on her shoulder.

The clerk took one look at her and fainted.

"Must you always be dramatic?" Kyuubi asked, glaring at Anko.

Anko grinned. "Oh, just say Thankyou. I did just save your life."

The man was now screaming on the ground.

"The safety on his gun was still on," Minato said tiredly. "And he was pretty shitty at handling it. Also, you just shot through a window. You are _so _paying for that."

Anko shrugged. "Fine, I have money."

Minato rolled his eyes and moved to rouse the clerk. They'd have to report this in, call the cops and an ambulance and all because Anko had shot a man with...wait-

"Where the hell did you even _put _that rifle? Didn't you have a pistol earlier?"

Anko looked at Minato like he was a simpleton. "Why would I just have _one _gun?"

"Why do you have a _rifle_?"

"For long range shooting."

"This was _hardly _long range!"

Anko simply shrugged again and walked back out of the shop, clearly unconcerned now that there was no more violence to be had.

Minato groaned.

Maybe he should have let Anko go with Chiyo.

**(I am a sexy page break. You know you love me)**

Naruto awoke to find himself draped over Gaara. Any straight man would have at that point screamed, pointed fingers and got the hell out of dodge.

He snuggled closer until-

"You _bastard_!"

Until Gaara kicked him off the bed.

Gaara had stayed the night and they'd both fallen asleep after only an hour of plotting and scheming.

From his place on the floor, Naruto took in Gaara's groggy appearance and smirked. "Ha! You slept."

"Thank you, Sherlock," Gaara said, rolling his eyes. "As always your powers of perception are unparalleled."

"How are you so eloquent right after waking up? Don't you need to reboot like the rest of the world?"

"My brain never shuts down," Gaara quipped, smirking when Naruto made a face at him.

Naruto let Gaara use the shower first, and grabbed him a few clothes from his suitcase. He included a bright orange T-shirt that Gaara had once vocally threatened after a particularly heavy drinking session...something about sending it to "orange hell"...

Anyway, it was his vengeance and he made sure to lock his closet and suitcases so Gaara couldn't change.

When Naruto was out and dressed, he noticed Gaara had simply worn the shirt he'd been wearing the previous night.

"Ugh, that's disgusting."

Gaara shrugged. "I'm not wearing orange."

"Why not?"

"It implies a sunny disposition. And a lack of style."

"Ouch Gaara, that hurt."

"The truth often does."

Naruto glared, and grabbed the orange shirt. "Wear it."

Gaara snorted. "Make me."

With that brave sentence, Gaara did the expected and ran out the door like the brave man people thought he was.

Naruto however, had had years of Gaara's bravery studied and tackled the man in the hall.

After initial struggling and wrestling and the orange shirt being sadly abandoned on the floor, Naruto pinned Gaara to the floor, straddling him and holding his arms to his side and laughed. "Suck it. I win."

Gaara simply chuckled. There was no way he was going to admit defeat. Even if he had so obviously been defeated.

Someone cleared their throat and the two boys turned.

Sasuke was watching them both with something akin to interest and...something else.

Naruto waited and when Sasuke didn't do anything, he put step one of his plan into action.

He smiled warmly and said, "Good morning, Uchiha."

The incredulous look on Sasuke's face lasted only a second but Naruto decided it had been worth it. Sasuke didn't speak and with his stoic mask back in place, he nodded at Gaara, ignored Naruto and walked down the stairs.

Naruto was almost impressed at how the Uchiha had found it possible to bow in their general direction but _still_ make it clear he was only acknowledging Gaara.

Naruto chuckled and helped Gaara up.

Gaara smiled as they watched Sasuke walk down the hall and turn out of sight.

"Well, that certainly went well," Naruto grinned.

Gaara rolled his eyes. "You're evil."

They walked down the steps, following Sasuke and when they came to the entrance hall, they saw a large group of people standing there.

"Naruto darling, look who decided to pay you a visit without prior notice," Kushina said, disapproval clear in her voice.

Naruto turned to the person his mom was pointing at and grinned, rushing forward. "DAD!"

Minato caught his son, was macho for a moment, then overbalanced and fell to the ground- which didn't deter Naruto in the least.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, sitting heavily on his dad's chest.

"Dying a painful death," Minato wheezed. "Get off me."

Naruto complied and stared at the other two people. "Kyuubi! Anko!"

He got a punched to his gut from Anko and a playful ruffle of his hair from his brother, who then thought better of it and grabbed Naruto, squeezing him and swinging him around like there was no tomorrow.

"I missed you so much!"

"Dude...you are so gay."

Kyuubi rolled his eyes and let Naruto go.

Iruka, Raidou, Izumo and Kotetsu were all behind Kushina, like a support team...or a group of friends ready to provide vocal cheering support should any 'yo mamma' jokes come up.

Minato stood by Kyuubi and Anko was by herself, touching vases and paintings with no regard whatsoever for the owners.

Naruto sighed.

His big dysfunctional family was all there. Almost.

Naruto jumped in fright as a butler suddenly appeared by his side. He glared at the man who simply smiled pleasantly back and stated that breakfast was served in the dining room.

Kushina led the way and everyone else followed.

"Why does it seem like you're having a family reunion?" Gaara whispered to Naruto as they walked right at the end of the large group.

"Because Uchiha is the devil and I'm in hell?" Naruto whispered back.

The dining room was large and even with all the people sitting at the table, there were quite a number of empty seats. It was all dark wood and oak scents and Naruto felt it was actually a pretty warm sort of room. Paintings were arranged on the walls of southern farms and orchards. It was almost homey.

Sasuke was surprisingly welcoming to Naruto's 'family' even going so far as to start a conversation about guns with Anko. They all seemed to love him, even Kushina, who seemed to be constantly pointing out that Sasuke had informed _his_ mother that he was going off to some island...

Naruto ignored her and talked to Kyuubi. He was sitting in between Kyuubi and Anko and opposite Sakura and Ino, who had spent the night. It would have been great but Sasuke was seated opposite Kyuubi, right next to Sakura...which meant he was almost directly in front of Naruto.

Sasuke had had to send Tayuya and Shikamaru off on an errand together when Kakashi had called to suggest it, saying it would serve not only Sasuke's evil bastard-like streak but it would also force them to get along for a few hours.

Kiba was staring down Ino's shirt and occasionally shooting glances at Kushina, which made Naruto want to throw his fork at the guy but he kept his cool.

Naruto quickly picked up conversation with Ino and Sakura, arguing intermittently with Kyuubi who kept telling him he was telling the story wrong.

"It's a story about how I made you eat mud," Kyuubi insisted. "It must have the necessary flare. Aren't you going for _shock and awe_?"

"I'm going for _'you were a real bastard growing up_'...so no."

Sasuke was chatting amicably with Kushina who seemed to have nothing at all to say to her husband. Minato didn't mind, he was talking about sports with Kiba.

"Ms Uzumaki, may you please pass the sugar?" Sasuke asked politely.

Before Kushina could even raise her hand, Naruto picked up the bowl and placed it by Sasuke's mug, all without pausing for breath in his story.

Sasuke scowled, not wanting to express gratitude- or manners- in any way to the Namikaze. "I believe I was talking to your mother."

Either Naruto actually didn't hear him or he was doing a spectacular job of ignoring him because the blond simply made his punchline and had Ino and Sakura both laughing loudly and saying how insane Naruto was.

Sasuke grit his teeth in obvious annoyance.

What the hell was the blond playing at?

He decided he'd just insult the blond outright and see if that got the expected reaction but just then, a loud clap of thunder sounded and a loud booming voice cried from the heavens-

"SOMEONE'S BOLLOCKS WILL BE SET ON FIRE IF I DO NOT FIND A CUP OF TEA READY FOR ME IN THERE!"

Kushina raised her head sharply and gaped at the door, not quite believing the voice she'd just heard. But Gaara was faithful. And Gaara _believed_ and as such, he had taken the more active route of getting up, running and diving out the window (luck for him they were on the ground floor, but even three stories up, he'd still have taken that jump).

Naruto promptly tried to follow Gaara out halfway but had his legs caught by Kyuubi before he could successfully complete his escape to freedom and sanity.

Only one woman could cause such abject fear in the Namikaze family-and Gaara- and Naruto did _not_ want to see her.

Naruto kicked frantically at Kyuubi as the voice got nearer-

"-or will I have to open the bloody door myself? Honestly, are you a butler or _not_?"

Kyuubi received swift punch to the jaw and swore loudly even as Minato finally rushed forward to help him hold his young brother down. Kushina and Iruka were the only ones staring at the door with disbelief. Everyone else had a mixture of curiosity and amused interest.

The door swung open, and a blushing butler moved forward to announce the presence of-

"_Ow_!"

The butler rubbed his shin and glared at the old lady who'd just struck him with her cane, even as she eyed him down distastefully.

"I'm perfectly capable of announcing my _own _presence," she sniffed.

Kushina's mutter of, "Aw hell," brought Naruto to attention as he gave up and, with a final glance that showed him that Gaara was long gone so no there would be no daring rescues, he stood up straight- just like Minato and Kyuubi- all at attention like they were in the military and were waiting to be executed.

The old woman looked around the room as if measuring each person and finding them completely uninteresting. Her gray hair was done up in a bun and she wore a black suit with a small pinned-on hat and a white blouse. Smart and comfortable pumps graced her feet and an innocent looking cane was in both her hands next to her dangling handbag.

She looked every bit the ruthless executive she'd been when she'd retired, way back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.

When her eyes finally landed on the four people she'd been seeking out in the first place, she offered a smile.

"Ah, there you all are," she said regally. "Don't just stand there like the queen's guard, come greet me properly."

Minato nudged Kushina forward and ignored her muttered promise of murder before shoving both his sons after his wife.

Better them than him.

He was still young. He still had so much to do... He didn't want to die.

Besides, he'd been the one to invite Chiyo over when he'd learned Kushina had appeared out of nowhere and was hogging his youngest son at the Uchiha manor.

"Granny Chiyo," Kushina gushed accordingly, gracefully taking the older woman's hands in her own. "What a surprise!"

The woman, Granny Chiyo, smiled tolerantly. "Don't think I didn't notice you left out the part about whether or not it is a good surprise."

Kushina returned the smile. "Why point out the obvious?"

"Naruto, Kyuubi," Granny Chiyo pulled her gloved hand from Kushina's, clearly dismissing her, and turned to the boys. "It's been too long."

"It's only _been_ three years," Naruto said softly, biting back a growl when Kyuubi stomped on his foot.

"Three _long_ years," Granny Chiyo agreed, lifting her cane and slamming it back down for emphasis- onto Naruto's unfortunate foot and ignoring his swear even as she continued in a distracted manner. "It feels like yesterday."

Before Naruto could mutter anything else- probably something about how she probably couldn't _remember_ yesterday-, Kyuubi stepped forward and grabbed Chiyo's hand before kissing it and saying, "It's always a pleasure, Granny Chiyo."

The woman smiled and nodded, patting Kyuubi's cheek before holding her free hand out to Naruto.

Th blond eyed both the hand and the cane, his sore foot a painful reminder of why he always tried to be silent whenever Chiyo visited. Her Evil Cane of Doom (TM) was great in providing incentive for his silence.

The sad part of it was he had no idea why she even visited at all.

Especially when she wasn't related to any of them.

But she'd always been there...like herpes, she wouldn't go away.

Granny Chiyo had lived in the Namikaze's neighborhood for decades and as soon as they had moved in, she'd made her presence an unwanted constant. She was there for every birthday party, New Year's eve party, baptism, Christmas party, April fool's party, thanksgiving and any other major holiday. She was also present for every minor event, like dentist appointments, soccer games, recitals...

She was like an actual grandmother.

Her only fault was that she was immensely overbearing, violent and prone to giving criticism.

She also managed to scare the hell out of Naruto and Gaara, something usually only Kushina being in a worried motherly fury and Anko being...well, _herself_, could manage.

Granny Chiyo seated herself and motioned for the others to do so as well once Naruto finally gathered the courage to kiss her hand and murmur polite sentences.

"Where's Gaara?"

Knowing the fore-boding feeling of being a beat-up doll for the cane, Naruto sang like a canary. "He jumped out the window when you arrived "

Granny Chiyo scoffed. "Don't be silly dear, it's raining outside. If you didn't want to tell me, you should have just said so."

Naruto gaped and Sasuke didn't even bother holding back the smirk.

Chiyo went on a tirade, ripping into everyone at the table, a few of which were:

Shikamaru: if you're going to be lazy, don't be half-assed about it. Be the best useless bum you can be.

Kiba: Why on earth have you tattooed your _face_, dear boy? Why draw attention to it?

Tayuya: you are a vulgar young woman. You remind me of myself when I was thirty.

"Oi, boy with the hair gel," Chiyo suddenly turned to Sasuke. "Do you have a certain predilection for copious amounts of hair products while being too bored to style it properly or is that hair an ode to a duck's bottom somewhere?"

"The predilection," Sasuke said easily, satisfied at Naruto's irritation at his lack of discomfort. "And might I just say how well you've aged over these last few centuries..."

Granny Chiyo stared at Sasuke for a moment before she smiled. "I like you."

Naruto groaned in annoyance. Who knew that all this time, all he'd had to do to get Chiyo off his back was insult her to her face?

Granny Chiyo was soon on a roll. Her commanding demeanor and arrogant, obnoxious badassery called everyone to listen as she spoke.

"I went to visit your father's grave, Kushina and-"

"What the hell _for_? You're not family!"

"-found that you hadn't left flowers in over a _month_. That's _shameful_."

"_You're_ shameful."

"What was that dear?"

"Nothing."

"I'm old," Granny Chiyo stated. "Not deaf."

"And sadly not senile either," Kushina muttered.

"Oh dear Kushina," Granny Chiyo gasped. "Are you upset with me? Am I embarrassing you?"

Minato chuckled. "Nonsense Chiyo, Kushina's perfectly capable of embarrassing herself without your presence. Her father knew that."

"Don't bring Grandpa Hotaro into this," Kyuubi said loudly.

Granny Chiyo turned to Kyuubi. "To be fair, Kushina's father was an asshole but he threw a mean funeral."

"Chiyo!" Kushina gasped, affronted.

"Damn, I was happy to see _that_ burial," she continued wistfully.

"Hey-"

"I stomped on the dirt afterward just to be sure."

"Miss Chiyo, please!" Kotetsu tried.

"Then I had a slab of concrete compacted over it just to be sure he didn't creep back up out of hell."

"CHIYO!"

Chiyo looked at Kushina. "What? You can never be too careful. he might just decide to come pay us a visit, the tenacious _bastard_."

Minato was shaking with laughter and Kushina, though she had to admit Granny Chiyo was right (and was loathe to do so even in her own mind), was furious.

Naruto shook his head, wondering why his family couldn't have been more normal.

Chiyo seemed surprised at the amusement and exasperation coming from the others.

"Did I say something wrong?"

**(I am a Granny Chiyo page break. Pull your pants up, you hooligan)**

After breakfast, Kushina pulled Minato over and whispered furiously into his ear. Naruto only caught a few bits and pieces of it: ".._.incensed, arrogant old battle-axe...know you invited her, you bastard...of all the impertinent, obnoxious harpies to intrude on a rational being's presence...decrepit old fossil.._."

Naruto decided alittle time away from the chaos was necessary. This was seeming less and less like a work assignment and more and more like their horrible family reunions.

He tried to go outside after breakfast but found his way blocked by his 'family'. Well, Granny Chiyo had been taken up by a butler to her room. Joy of joys, she was staying, too. and Minato was still getting ribbed by Kushina.

"Please don't tell me its Christmas Carol time. It's February."

They didn't speak and simply blocked his path to the door.

Naruto didn't particularly enjoy their hive mind.

He gave them all dry looks.

"It's raining outside and all my stuff is here. Also, I'm on an island. Where _exactly _do you think I'll run off to?"

Except for Anko, the others all looked sheepish. Anko looked like she wanted to point out that he could very well live in the forest. Like Tarzan.

Anko eventually shrugged and handed Naruto an umbrella from a large vase that seemed to be holding quiet a number of umbrellas.

He walked passed Sasuke, his mind obviously on non-bastard issues, without a second glance.

Outside, he took in a deep breath and stepped into the rain under his umbrella. He was still probably going to get wet- the rain was pouring like someone in the sky was just emptying out buckets of water onto unsuspecting innocents like himself.

Naruto took a well-made path into the garden and stopped when he noticed- even with the heavy downpour- a red head of hair.

Gaara.

But he wasn't alone.

Gaara was soaked and was sitted on a bench looking perfectly calm and civil as he talked to his ex-boyfriend, Neji.

Neji was soaked, too, even though he had an umbrella that was currently folded and held in his lap, but that didn't surprise Naruto. nevi had always had a flare for the dramatic.

Naruto watched a little longer as Neji suddenly leaned forward. Gaara stealthily slipped away and stood, offering a warm, pleasant smile before turning and walking toward Naruto.

When he saw Naruto, he smirked.

Anko's plans for revenge against enemies usually involved getting them to like you, making them feel you were harmless or indeed, in awe of them. At the very least, at times she would execute ways to make herself seem polite but with overall indifference.

Her ways had worked extremely well to get back at so many of her boyfriends that Naruto had actually published a few of her ideas in a book of his, "The Revenge of a Psychotic Ex"... Yeah, Anko had been truly inspirational in that one, though of course he'd claimed that anything resembling people or places, real or otherwise, was purely coincidental. He couldn't have the boyfriends catching on, could he? Besides, it had been published as a work of fiction, not a self-help book.

Usually, it depended on what they felt for you...and Neji had claimed he loved Gaara, was probably still claiming he did. And if that was true, Gaara was already well on his way to getting Neji.

Naruto just wasn't sure whether or not Gaara wanted to get back at Neji...or to get Neji back.

They'd been a surprisingly great couple up until Neji declared he had no interest in staying with Gaara for the long run. Something that had led to Gaara breaking up with him and saying he needed someone who was willing to give 'the forever fairytale crap' a chance.

That had been months ago. Almost four.

And Neji hadn't stopped calling or sending gifts or making a genuine nuisance of himself to Gaara's friends... And Naruto would have helped Neji get Gaara back if it wasn't for the simple fact that the Hyuuga still believed that he should be with Gaara 'for right now...why worry about the future?'. The guy was a moron, a hot moron but a moron all the same.

Gaara walked passed Naruto and Naruto chuckled. He waved at a frustrated Neji and took a different route, making his own path through the grass and going off into the nearby orchards.

**(I am an old page break. Pass me my teeth)**

Naruto spent a good two hours walking around in the Uchiha gardens which could be found just after one of the orchards. He was pretty good without a map and though he was soaked through and just getting a chill, he was loathe to return.

He sighed as he stared up at the dark, pouring sky.

The island certainly had some strange weather.

He sighed and dragged up the energy to face his family again.

And Sasuke.

He had to deal with him, too.

Naruto groaned at that.

People like Sasuke Uchiha just couldn't stand it if someone didn't bend over and lick their ass- which was why Naruto wasn't all that surprised to see the Uchiha's staring at him, standing in the rain like a drowned rat and looking positively livid. And yet, he still managed to look hot-the bastard.

"There was a whole stack of umbrellas by the door," Naruto said calmly, failing to hide his amusement.

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "They're gone."

"The umbrellas?" Naruto shuffled. "Well, you could share this one if you like but you're already drenched so it would be kind of pointless."

"No, you nitwit," Sasuke growled, his dark eyes seeming to darken even further. "Everyone is gone. All the butlers, all your crazy work-mates and your dysfunctional family and parents or whatever they were... They're _all_ gone."

The blond blinked. "Seriously?"

Sasuke held back an insult and shoved a piece of paper in Naruto's face.

Naruto took a step back and read it with light form his phone. "You should try to get along. We'll be back eventually... Love, everyone."

Naruto swore under his breath. "Who wrote this?"

"Neji, that bastard." Sasuke scowled. "He sent me off to look for something in my father's study and when I finally found it, everyone had disappeared. I checked their rooms but it seems they've packed everything as well."

"Does that mean we can walk out and just...leave?" Naruto asked hopefully.

"Hardly, there are guards around the manor and apparently, Itachi has ordered them to keep us here by any means, including bodily harm. They wouldn't even accept any monetary rewards I offered."

"Monetary rewards? You too posh to say _bribe_?"

"Yes."

"And anyway, bodily harm? You can't be serious. Did you test it out?"

"The guard slapped me. So yeah...I did."

"Did you slap him back?"

"What am I, a girl?" Sasuke snorted.

"So what did you do?" Naruto smirked.

"I walked away," Sasuke said angrily. "He was armed and my brother is evil. I wasn't going to go as far as see if he'd shoot me."

"You should have," Naruto muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," Naruto said quickly. "But this all seems so planned."

Sasuke looked at him, his expression disbelieving. "Why the hell are you still calm? This is serious."

Naruto snorted. "Please. We have food and water and in case you missed it, a large mansion. I think we'll be okay. Your house is large enough that we don't have to see each other unless its absolutely necessary and we can make our own meals. We can take the time to think up story ideas and run them by the rest whenever they decide to grace us with their presence."

Naruto went back into the house and to his room where he took a shower, changed into something warm and went down to where he thought the kitchen was. He'd seen one of the butlers bringing in their food from there so it was a good guess... And it was almost lunchtime.

He heard the sharp noise of someone slamming a drawer and paused, peering into the room.

Sasuke was rummaging through the fridge and mumbling things under his breath. Eventually he walked back to the counter where a tomato and knife sat. He washed the tomato, sliced it up and salted it before sitting down and plopping another slice into his mouth.

Naruto walked in and leaned against the counter. "Is that all you're having for lunch?"

Sasuke turned around in surprise and sniffed imperiously. "Yes."

Naruto shrugged. "You should at least have a salad," he said evenly.

Sasuke looked like he wanted to say something extremely rude but thought better of it. "I think we're out of lettuce."

Naruto walked to the large two-door fridge, opened the bottom vegetable compartment and pulled out a head of lettuce. "There's more in the gardens outside."

Sasuke's face burned and he looked away.

Naruto studied him for a moment before it occurred to him that Sasuke probably had no idea where anything was. It was likely that everything had always been done for him. Naruto doubted the man even knew how to boil water without starting a massive house fire.

The blond felt smug but watching Sasuke slowly eat his tomato pulled at some of his long forgotten sympathy strings and he sighed.

"Would you like some pasta? I always make too much for one person," Naruto offered, trying to preserve both of their pride.

Sasuke looked at him in surprise before turning away. "I suppose...if you make too much.. We probably shouldn't waste anything..."

Naruto managed to not roll his eyes and started going through cupboards and pulling out pots and pans. He decided he'd come back later and label all the drawers and cupboards so he'd know where to get what.

Naruto placed a chopping board, knife and some green beans in front of Sasuke. "Chop those up."

If he thought the brunet would argue, he was sorely mistaken. Apparently Sasuke could be greatly civil when he needed to eat.

"Naruto? Sasuke... Where _are_ you two?"

Naruto and Sasuke stared at the door in shocked horror.

It wasn't possible.

"They _left _her behind?" Sasuke hissed.

Naruto paled. "They _didn't_..."

Sasuke set the knife down. "They _did_..."

"They _couldn't _have..."

"Apparently they didn't know that."

"No fucking way..."

"I demand that yo kill me."

'Why?" Naruto whispered. "I thought you two got along great."

"She hit me with her cane. A lot."

Naruto considered that and grabbed the knife. "If you don't mind, I'd like to die first..."

Before Naruto could do himself in, Granny Chiyo walked into the room. She looked around at the stove, the fridge, the cabinets and finally the two boys. She had the irritating habit was observing a room before taking note of the people in it.

"Everyone left," Naruto told her directly, wondering if that'd be motivation for her to leave too. He hoped so. Even if the guards at the gates were _un-bribe-able_ and completely incompassionate, maybe they'd let the old battle-axe out.

"I know," she said, clearly unconcerned. "I told them to. They were crowding the house."

"But-"

"Don't worry," she smiled pleasantly, waving her hand dismissively. "I'll be your chaperone for the next few months so no one will think anything untoward about your relations with each other."

The boys gaped.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Get lunch started. I'm famished."

Naruto and Sasuke shared a look.

If that was true... Naruto eyed the knife in his hand.

It was going to be a _long _three months.

**A/N: Hey, its been what? A few days? *someone screams years...I ignore them* Yeah, just a few days. Anywho, I'm on break so I'm trying to update everything. Unfortunately, unless some serious motivation strikes me, The Four Seasons will be further delayed. My laptop's in limbo...**


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